Dear Australian Government

Hi guys.

I know I'm an ex-pat and all, but I still consider myself an Aussie down to the core. Just ask all my friends over here, they won't stop giving me shit about it for a minute - but don't worry, in time honored tradition I do everything in my power to give it back to them.

Here's a tip: if they ever mention the rugby or the Olympic scores, just sit back and say two words. Five. Nil. Then giggle as the excuses start to flow about how the cricket doesn't really matter.

I was really glad to see John go last year. To be fair, he was a bit of a cock and, quite often, he made me feel terribly embarrassed to be Australian. I was in Berlin the night I heard he was voted out and, to celebrate, myself and a bunch of other likeminded Aussies hit the city to celebrate.

We had a great time, by the way.

It wasn't just the news that the sickening old coot had gone, it was also the promise that future news emanating from my country might not cause me to hang my head and cringe - and often apologise for the sickening display of racism, bigotry or other glossed over hate speech that has plagued us over the past couple of decades.

You know how America is currently glowing over its recent election results? I kinda had the same feeling.

The thing is, lately I've been hearing some pretty disturbing stories coming from back home and, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure much has really changed.

Now, I work in the IT industry so I may have a bit of a vested interest, but... c'mon, just give up on the filtering thing. Censorship in any form doesn't work: it hasn't worked in the past, it won't work in the future - stop chasing after the god squad senators you need to pander to in order to pass legislation. Besides, isn't blackmail a criminal offence?

Don't you remember those days when, thanks to the inane, clueless and entirely out of touch actions of Richard Alston, Australia was declared the Global Village Idiot? Isn't it enough to be finally rid of this fool who, as Technology Minister, so breathtakingly misunderstood the Internet that he merely brushed it aside as a breeding ground for terrorists and paedophiles? Remember, this was our Minister for Communications and Information Technology.

And you want to go and do it all again?!?

I thought those days were behind me, but I once again had to hang my head in embarrassment when I heard about this. Oh, don't worry, the UK has had its own little brush with nonsensical censorship in the past couple of days, but that's a drop in the ocean compared to what you're trying to do.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty happy I'm not donating my tax dollars toward your latest waste of government funds and, if things keep going this way, I might just have to stick around over here until you finally come to your senses. Here's hoping the rest of the country will have something to say about it, too (but I'm not holding my breath).

Oh, and don't get me started on the news I heard today about that Simpsons drawing.

Are you deliberately trying to make us look like a bunch of backward hicks in the eyes of the world? Seriously? I mean, you were doing a pretty damn fine job of it while John was in power, but from everything I've heard so far nothing has actually changed a bit. If anything, it's getting worse!

Please. Please. Please. Dear Australian Government. Stop being so fucking stupid. Please.

Yours sincerely,
A concerned citizen